Subject: I'm a stupid, walking paradox; meds it is ;-/
I don't know, LVT, I do feel addicted to it sometimes, but I don't really *love* it. The times when I feel most alive are the times when I have nothing but time and space to work in... The creative 'binges' ... It's nerve-wrecking to live around it and know that's what I should be doing, but everything stands in the way and blocks it.
It's nerve-wrecking when family mistakes it for laziness, and even more nerve-wrecking when I believe them. In a way, I guess it is a form of laziness --- if it comes second-nature, it's an easier route to take ('cause I'm not searching; it's *here*)... If I know how I am, why the *F* should I waste my time doing something else?
But even sometimes when I give myself the space, nothing is happening, and I feel like a fraud. It's like "Here, I've given you a space, now take advantage of it... You can't, can you, idiot... After all this, you got what you wanted, and now you've got nothing."
I may look into counselling, I'd like to know what they do, though. Is it some old, bearded man in a rocking chair who repeats what you say in question-form to get to the root of the paradoxal-train of thought? Then what? We've established that I'm wrong, so now I just suck it up and take cherry-pills?
I feel like I'm wrong... whatever I think, I think immediately afterward "You're wrong, I see right through you..." I see that *primal* motivation... Why does the creative compulsion have to exist in a vacuum? Why can't it give me psychological strength? The saddest possibility is, like the hungry beast that it is, perhaps it feeds off this insecurity and craves it.
best friend or worst enemy... better not to demonize it, but I can't help it when it *F's* me over like this.
Wish I could I press the "next chapter" button on the remote control... Sometimes "stop" ... no, the only option now is most difficult button of all- menu: HELP
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