I struggle. I always have in more ways than I care to explain.
So much of my life has been spent being hidden. Trying to be appropriate to the conformities of my environment. Likewise I’ve found that when it comes to my ‘creative side’ I’m hidden from myself and I paint more than anything, to find out what lurks inside of me.
Prior to releasing expressions on to a canvas, I’m oblivious to what is in me, what might be said and how I will respond to it and yet I am so all too often mentally influenced by the story that unfolds.
To date, I’ve never felt comfortable in this world or with the thoughts I have, and yet recently I’ve noticed more and more people connect to this unknown part of me being exposed. How can others relate to something that in many ways I’m not personally related to? Often better than they relate to me!
I’ve noticed that the artwork, although painted and ‘grown’ by me, are not fully my story. It is my version of an event that I perceive and have the nerve to call complete. Some people view and accept the vision I’ve presented without question, however more often I’ve seen other creative minds enhance, even butcher my vision with the passions of their mind and allow their internal creative state to reform, alter and often animate the state of the finished piece I’ve signed as complete.
It is because of this that I felt a need to realize a new art movement has evolved beyond my ability to create which I’ve chosen to call Esoteric Automatism. Esoteric because not everyone has the ability to see past the painting, and automatism, because there is effort made to participate the least as possible in the art. To some it might be labeled ‘abstract’ but to me there is a defined and definite difference.
Oddly enough, although there is never any pre decision to any piece of work in this book, as I look on the artwork, I see certain works as almost a diary of events, perhaps not by what they depict, but more so by how and where I was as the piece was birthed.
More and more I’ve found art to expose myself and others. I question my intentions and motives when I share creations with the world. As I divulge their meaning from my viewpoint and open it up to another’s interpretation. It’s the strangest feeling to experience another person personally relate to something I’ve created and take it on as their own. Sometimes it can happen in an instant and often I’ve had to fight back the urge to stop others see more in my art than was originally there.
I feel like I forced to ride a fine line with my faith and my art, particularly if the art turns towards something carnal. My internal expression, which, until birthed I’m unaware of it’s nature or intent. Like a child being born. Am I responsible for anything more than being his or her father? I can influence their personality, but in the end... they are their own creation. The fine line relates a lot more to my relationships with fellow believers than my personal walk.
I am looking for others who can relate to this vision. I truly believe that it is less that I have found a new art form than I have defined one that has unconsciously existed for quite some time, although I'm having a hard time finding others out there that paint in this way..... BUT I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE. I'm coming to find you if you don't come to find me. :)
For more infomation look up my profile, or go to www.esotericautomatism.com or pwason.com and contact me.
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