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I had such a whirlwind of thoughts laying there trying to get to sleep. Now that I'm up and here I don't see the way to putting them down. There just seems to be no concensus on what it's going to take to make you stop questioning how you're living your life - what is next - what you want to do next - what you did today and was it worth it - should you have been doing something else - what's wrong with relaxation? was it relaxing? do you feel better or worse? all will be appropriate if you consider it a holiday in preparation for putting the metal to the floor next week. This week should be your clean week. Work off 10 pounds. Get your demo ready. Finish the link farming. Go meet with the people involved in your future and your past. Tie the loose ends and drop the rope a little higher. You know one thing that's been at me is whether or not I should be painting more. You know I'm just not feeling so good about my recent work. Maybe I should really put these pieces aside. Even the little ones. Maybe painting should take a wild leap backwards and just not do it for awhile. I appreciate that I wanted to try some new things, but I just don't feel any connection to these pieces. What the hell are they about? Are they my stories? Does this matter? I said to myself that I did not like my work. Technically I am not a good painter. There are always bits of crap in the paint. My details are uninformed. If it's going to be distorted, it should be distorted with some sense of knowing exactly from whence it came. And you know what. I don't want to do some mural for the Solid Waste Facility. $40,000 is a lot of money. It could be cool but I just can't come up with a plan without a bit of the puzzle to play with. The trucks and the men are cheezy. I suppose just getting my slides and bio together cannot hurt. At least do this early in the week so that if the idea comes late the night before the deadline, you can still make it. - that is if you want that. But what of the other want of a regular job downtown at Human Code. Are you still worried about becoming a fill in the blank personnel who slaves long hours in exchange for a more comfortable life in the couple hours before bedtime? Are you tired and just searching for cover? No! Dammit I've wanted that work for some time now. Before I lacked the experience or technical expertise rather- now I have the pieces I need to get it and I want to see if I can. Seriously. Not half-hearted. I know you're worried about getting accepted to both possibilities but I can't see how that would be a terrible, unworkable thing. You're clever. don't let yourself hold yourself back. Ever back a battery up to another battery? ++ or --. I'm not crazy. I'm a size D battery. That has been your mantra since middle school. What the hell does that mean. Have I been saying it all this time just to finally make the connection with what I just wrote above so that I might find a clue to an answer to a question which I cannot bring together into any concreteness? Stop it. I hate that. I do like the prospects of repainting as an adult one of the pictures I drew as a child. I wonder what understanding I might gain from that.Yes. Tomorrow after work I want you to take the seats out of the van and clear out all the debris of the studio. Put those other paintings away. Take the canvas off the big piece and roll it up. Put another coat of spackle on the 4th of July piece. Then go lock on to the computer for the entire evening and finish those two projects - link farming and the demo. No three projects - the remake of TXArts. You don't even have to do all of the work yourself. This other artist will needs some part in its creation so it is an interesting position for her to fill. Make the invitation for the AVAA show and you're all set for major monkeys off your back. No more chatterings of guilt. If it's a clean week you can shut those chattering up too. The chatterings the chatterings the chatterings. Get some batteries for your recorder and chat the chatterings. You want books on tape? make some books on tape. Replay for real what if replaying over and over in your head. Listen to yourself. You are killing your vehicle and smothering your bliss. Killing your vehicle and smothering your bliss. Yes. It's true. I don't like you like this. You're fat around the middle. Your eyes have glossy black bags underneath. You smell like stale cigarettes. Where's your jar? Fill the jar and keep it with you. Smell the jar. Smell this you. Imagine what you look like on the inside. Black and brown have become your clothing colors. Does this tell you anything? Okay. Now I'm tired. Enough ranting and raving in an unsane manner. If you're reading this, please don't respond as it will make me feel icky. I should write these things in a sketchbook or something that will last and is far more personal. The problem was that I kept buying these little books and they remained blank or got used for business. I like the thought of it being here to read. The internet is a strange phenomena. Here people can look behind my curtain of the rest of my website and find out what's going on with me. I just prefer not to know you are looking.
Nathan
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